Home > Laughter=Best Medicine > The Legal Mind, Using the Term Loosely…

The Legal Mind, Using the Term Loosely…

(Stolen from, i.e., HT to: Starbrander)  If these are true then it is no wonder our legal/judicial system is in such sorry shape!  (Even if they are not, they are still hilarious and provide a moment of comic relief, so enjoy, and you’re welcome!)  Language warning:  one or two have mildly suggestive language that some my find inappropriate.

BEVERAGE ALERT…PLEASE SET DOWN YOUR COFFEE AND DO NOT DRINK ANYTHING WHILE READING THESE…I WILL NOT BE RESPONSIBLE FOR FLUIDS EXITING YOUR NOSTRILS AND HITTING YOUR COMPUTER MONITOR…YOU HAVE BEEN FOREWARNED!

IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT  FACE AS A COURT REPORTER
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and allegedly are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS:   He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?
WITNESS:   My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS:   Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Are you sexually active?
WITNESS:   No , I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:   Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:   I forget..
ATTORNEY:  You forget?  Can you give us an example of something you
forgot?
_______________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS:   He’s 20 , much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:   Are you sh*tting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:   Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS:   Getting laid.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  She had three children , right?
WITNESS:   Yes.
ATTORNEY:  How many were boys?
WITNESS:   None.
ATTORNEY:  Were there any girls?
WITNESS:   Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get
a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:   By death.
ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:   Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:   He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:   Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS:   All of them… The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:   Oral…
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:   The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:   If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS:   Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS:   No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:   No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:   No.
ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS:   No.
ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:   Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS:   Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Advertisements
Categories: Laughter=Best Medicine Tags:
  1. CW
    11 Mar 2012 at 9:33 AM

    Funny!

  1. No trackbacks yet.

Your thoughts?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: